You wouldn’t think anything good could come from a person having AIDS however; many good things have arrived from my diagnosis and one of the best was the qualification for therapy. The healing, freedom and empowerment that emerged from the sessions have been a bit surprising and exhilarating, exhausting and sad; yet all good. Due to the stockpile of criteria of either not having enough or having too much of this or that, I was not eligible nor could I afford to seek counseling or therapy before HIV entered my life. Prior to becoming a person living with AIDS, I had the same mind set as any other “normal thinking” human being walking the earth. Therapy and counseling were for crazy and mentally ill persons in need of continuous institutionalized care. This was surely not me. I lived alone, maintained a good job, paid my bills, was very independent and was the farthest thing from crazy that I could describe. Keep in mind, I did not realize the need nor understand the benefits of therapy till I was approaching forty years old, had an AIDS diagnosis and started literally falling apart both physically and mentally. I was loosing control with little explanation from the doctors, friends and or family as to what was happening or why. Was this what they called a midlife crisis? Were the genetic crazy genes from one side of the family or other starting to show up in me? I did not like what was happening, what I was feeling or where my thinking was going and I needed answers.

Little did I know the journey it would take for me to go through to get beyond the grip hold I had on the past and live for today so I could dream for the future. Little did I know how holding on with such a grip hold to past negative and destructive thoughts, feelings, people and events was literally polluting my body mind and soul? It was quickly adding to my deterioration fueling the HIV virus and robbing my soul the room it needed from my body to be able to grow. Little did I know, letting go of the grip hold I had on the past would bring about my authentic self and allow me to live as the person I was designed to be by God. This holds true for any person, not only HIV+ individuals.

My viewpoint of therapy has changed considerably over the past 5+ years. I now feel anyone over the age of 21 needs to have some form of therapy to sort out the trunk full of emotional baggage we all carry with us in life and keep accumulating. The earlier we begin sorting out what is important and hold onto only what is truly adding value and that which gives us a positive feeling and let go and discard of the junk, the better our lives will be. Mine has taken a true turn for the better since I have learned to let go of the grip hold of the past, live for the now while dreaming and planning for the future as I continue unpacking that emotional trunk of life. I can now say my emotional baggage has been reduced from a cargo freight container to an over night bag and I am still unpacking. It is an ongoing process.

Therapy helped me make amends with my father as we developed a positive and healthy relationship prior to his death a couple of years ago. I am ever so grateful for the sessions and shedding of tears it took for me to be able to allow it to develop and grow. Both of us grew in spirit and healed the emotional wounds we had been scarred with many years earlier. I now feel my father’s spirit with me quiet often and it is very comforting and peaceful. It was only in the last fifteen years or so of his life did we develop any kind of father and daughter relation. I am sure I would not have this pleasant peace with his death had I not let go of my grip hold of the past.

Therapy helped me recognize long embedded thought patterns I held onto enabling me to remain paralyzed in my thinking and moving forward with what I really wanted from life. My natural and first reaction was I do not think negative nor hold onto anything that is harming me. Boy was I dead wrong! With the help of my therapist, I now see how holding onto phrases such as “That’s just the way I am”, or “What if’s?” or how about the one we all hold onto, the “should have been” or feeding the negative thought pattern to our brain continuously tellingly it “we are not good enough”, or that we are “stupid”? No matter what we feed our brain over and over, we all have the ability to change it and make it better if we choose to. Only if we let go of the grip hold of the past can we live happily in the now.

During the course of therapy I was able to identify people that had entered the threshold of my life with both positive and negative affects. I was able to dive into the core of each relationship and unpeel the layers of laughter, hurtful words, tears of anger and joy and so forth to determine how my mind and body reacted upon each reflection. I was able to become honest with myself as to why I allowed each relationship to be a part of my life and determine if it was a healthy relationship to continue or not. I was also able to develop the emotional tools needed to make the necessary changes to clear the people clutter out of my life and release the grip hold of the past as I held onto the good. I’m still clearing the clutter.

In my own reflecting and healing, I have been able to identify people around me which continue to live with a grip hold on the past. Unfortunately, that is where their thoughts, desires and lives remain, in the past. They may go through the motions of present day however they are forever hording the thoughts, hurts and anguish from yester year allowing themselves to wallow in their own self pity of who done me wrongs and the way things should have been. Sadly, I know a man that is missing out on experiencing a loving relation with companionship of a lady he has known and loved for over twenty-five years; only because he refuses to let go of the grip hold of the past he holds onto. He allows his sarcasm and resentment of his victimization to rule what is in the now prohibiting possibilities of what could be in the future. I know a lady that holds onto her grip hold of the past by reminding her and others of the way things should have been her entire life. She lives with the anguished thoughts that others have done her wrong and the way things should have been according to her. She too sees herself as the victim of the past. There is a man I know that holds onto the thought pattern that he is not good enough therefore instilling his own insecurities into every relationship he enters therefore sabotaging it before it even has a chance to develop. I know others with such a grip hold on the past that it keeps them from loosing weight, kicking drugs, cigarettes and alcohol and keeps them in abusive relationships. We are all guilty of having a grip hold on the past however it does not mean we have to allow it to continue to rule our present day lives. History will repeat itself if given the opportunity so make the changes you wish to see in yourself so destructive history is not repeated.

It doesn’t take years of therapy and counseling to make changes. All it takes is the willingness to be honest with our selves and have the desire to do something about it; and to make changes. It takes the courage to take that first step outside of our comfort zones which is always the hardest and scariest step. It also takes the desire not to be a quitter so when you fall after the first step or two; continue picking yourself back up and going at it again. It does help to have someone knowledgeable and unbiased to help equip us with the proper tools in identifying the destructive and paralyzing thought and behavior patterns we have developed throughout our lifetime. Be willing to ask yourself some valuable questions and be able to look at your life with eyes wide open and ask yourself, “How’s this working for me?” “Am I living life as I desire it to be?” and “Am I willing to do something different to get the results I want and if so what am I willing to do?”

If your answer is the same as it has been with your grip hold on the past, let it go and see how your life changes for the better.